For my first wish I had determined that there were too many candles to blow out so I just threw it away, so to speak, by wishing that I would get all A's on my report card. This event seemed highly improbable because I was fairly sure that I had B's in most of my classes at the end of dead week. The next birthday cake the following day had a more reasonable number of candles so I decided to make a legitimate wish—that I would go on a date this summer (you know, with a girl. This would be quite an accomplishment for me).

Grades were posted the following week on the Internet. The results? All A's! The cake granted my wish! Like some bizarre frosting-covered genie rewarding the power of my lungs, the cake bestowed upon me the coveted four point. I was initially thrilled before realizing the ramifications. Surely the cake would be nothing if not consistent. In that one bittersweet moment I saw my dreams for grad school acceptance grow and my dreams for finally escaping loserdom fade. It was initially saddening. With time, though, the grief turned to frustration, and with even more time I just got pissed.

You know what?! I'm not going to let a cake tell me what I'll do! Screw that cake! I don't care what it says; if Mike Logsdon wants to go on a date, Mike Logsdon is going to go on a date! Yeah, suck it cake!

As I post this on July 7 the cake is, so far, infallible.