Americano: The Man's Coffee

Café Americano: The Man's Coffee

All the espresso, none of the Bullshit

Somewhere along the way it became socially acceptable for men to order all sorts of wuss coffee drinks. Their syrup and whipped cream abominations are so far from real coffee that I have to say “coffee drinks” because I can't brink myself to call a Grande Mocha with whipped cream and chocolate on top “coffee.” (Hey, there's already chocolate in your mocha, what's with the chocolate on top of the whipped cream?) Here's what the Wikipedia article on espresso has to say: “The influence of Starbucks has caused a wide divergence from the Italian style of coffee, by adding syrups, whipped cream, flavour extracts, soy milk and different spices to their drinks.”

My simple term for the Starbucks phenomenon is “wussification,” and here at furiousm.com we are all about what I like to call “de-wussification.” The process of de-wussification mainly consists of drinking Americanos in lieu of chocolate, whipped cream, and syrup. I'll assume most people know what an Americano is, but for the benefit of the slow website reader an Americano is simply espresso and water. Now, when I order coffee I look the barista in the eye and say four words that are sweeter than all the syrups in the worlds: Tall Americano, no room. Saying “no room” is the most satisfying part because I'm subtly telling the barista, “look, I don't have time for bullshit like cream or sugar; just make a cup of coffee so I can be on my way. I'm a busy man and, more importantly, a manly man: the kind of man who wakes up at five in the morning and runs into the ocean while on the Oregon coast, then puts on the yoke and hauls 100 pounds of fresh water from the spring to his cabin, and after all that relaxes by chewing on spruce sap like it was gum. Or at the very least, the kind of manly man who shops at a grocery store a mile away and doesn't have a car.”

Actually, the manly man just described is more of a woodsy man than a manly man. The funny thing is, there's no stigma attached to a man being woodsy, but let me tell you fellas, if there's a word you don't want to hear from people describing your girlfriend, it's woodsy. Gee, I dunno Mike, that girl you've been seeing is great, but don't you think she's a little, uh, woodsy? You know, what with the hiking boots, and the flannel shirts, and, uh, the smell.

So yeah, help me out with de-wussification and start ordering Americanos or plain old drip coffee. Also, I recommend a healthy amount of hot sauce in your diet as well. A good standard is 10 oz. of hot sauce per academic semester, which is about 15 weeks. Remember, nothing screams wuss more than functional taste buds.